well now im here again, until many times tht pass by...im graduated now, many things happen, the sad one and the happy, im getting addicted to oasis...n i got the highest poin of all time in my school for toeic international, im happy..i can make many ppl happy especially my family, i can fuck off all my enemies, and i can stand proudly tht i can do everything i want if my mind set to it..but also with help of my almighty God...now im trying my luck in scholarship to Japan..hopes it works well...ill tell u if i can make it or not...IM BLESSED

just now

well , now after all happen, im just realize everything..well i just hate it..i knw..i have to face it, and when i accept it, its just getting good. its nice but i just never believe to it anymore. i think no one worth for my trust..all is the same. I knw..i really conscious bout tht , i knw tht not all people do the same, but i just cant , and i choose to close my eyes, my ears from any other sounds cause i dont want to believe and i just afraid to fall to the second time, i just wont...and i cant bare tht...so..just shut up..i wont hear tht...so wht, its me and i just live like that, just leave me alone..cause im always alone..

about a boy

hey, back again my dear blog, here i am in everlasting pain, alone in my dark and cold room...im sorry cause i always share bad things with u, but after all u are the only thing i can cry to and tell story to....so i was thinking..like i always do, drowned in my thought without care about anything, and wht i thought about is about a person..this person i like so much, he help me get through many problems, make me open my eyes to see another good things that i have, he help me find a happiness but at the same time, he make me suffer so...mucchh...more than anyone cud make me..i hate it for tht...i knw tht i will be hurt but then somehow i come again, like asking for more pain, i knw he didnt mean to, but it still hurt..i wonder y guys are so egoist..i always have to feel sorry for no giving wht he ask..but afterall i never ask anything...im so sad...like i never before..ive been in pain..even way really hurt more than this, and i can live with it...but now..it seems a lot different..he makes me weak..feels like im a girl, like i dont have any choice....i hate many things he did to me...but then...with tht hurt..i feel alive..atleast i feel something...cause i used to feel nothing..but it even so hard to feel...to get used to this hurts..he make me jealous so much, he make me wait, he make me change..i knw he likes her sooo muucchhhh...like everything....im just nothing..just a girl he plays with...im a disaster..im not worth to get any good thing..if i said it to him, i bet he must be ...mad with me...yeah..so wht..he still will love her...and im here alone again...after all the sweet things..im back to black, i think its my destiny to be always in pain, always in regret , noone and nothing will change..its only like entertainment..and i have to back to where i belong...dark, cold, bitter..and hurts....yeah thts me..i hope he's happy with her..and have a happy life and most i hope he can forget me and everything bout me...the same to me...i hope i can forget...anything...but he took everything in me..even my bed remains me of him...my pillow..i dont know wht to do..i hope God can take away my breathe and bring me to heaven...to forget him forever...

this is a song..but i dont really knw who sing this..but as long sas i remembre..she is a girl i think...this song is a song tht really express my personality..and the way im gonna live my life

life

nobody knows who i really am
i always feel this empty along
and if i will need someone who come along
who's gonna comfort me and give me strength?
we are the rolling boat of faith
the waves keep on coming and we can't escape
when we ever felt lost on our way, a way which got us
to another day

nobody knows who i really am
maybe they just dont give a damn
and if i will need someone who come along
i know you will follow me and give me strength

and everytime i see your face
the ocean sea out to my heart
you make me wanna struggling
so i can see the shore

i want u to know who i really am
i never though i gonna feel this again
if i will need someone who come along
are you gonna follow me and give me strength

just nothing

ok..im back again..ok im happy..no maybe im not..am i numb?? maybe i dont knw wht i feel..its like a combination of all tht..but i dont even knw if thts true...it feels like wanna cry, or laugh or just shut up..im so dizzy...its just too much..when i need someone to talk to..i mean..some1 i expect to talk to me..he's not there..then..wht i sud do..i knw..just wht he wanna say..but its not enough for me , i need him to talk to me..really...i wanna end this..i wanna travel abroad, start a new live..forget all this...make a new cover of me...im so messed up with my life...ppl dont see tht..but i do feel tht..a lot...im smilin..but is it..a real smile?? i dont even knw tht...so help me out..anyone...help me..God come on..i need u now..i knw u there with me..then give me smthing to hold on to...i really need help..

bday

yeah,,thanks for every one..for the wishes..for the prayer..for the support..thanks for my boy...umm...dont knw wht to say..dont think like smthing change its just me..feels like im all alone with my songs..in my room..yeah..today..its been a horrible day..full of incidents..and bad moments..i knw...i shouldnt say this..but i cant lie anyway..so..happy bday me..even thts in sat..and now..its mon..so..i dont care bout tht..yeah..mon..tue..sat..its all same..days...i dont knw wht to feel...sad? definitely cant be...many will be mad bout tht...cause im not supposed to feel tht now..
happy..i dont feelin tht now..maybe a fake one..but all i feel is dizzy..my head gets sick of all of this..celebration...even feels like im not there anyway..yeah..im ok anyway..dont be worry..i can take care of tht....im so messed up..but i can turn back things...thts fine..ill be fine..as time goes bye...

today...is best and worst day ever

first valentine is like hell..damn..i feels like freakin alone now..so..just forget tht worse things..then..the exam..finally did it..so..feel so happy for tht..feel proud ...feels like every burden is taken away from me..lol....yeah..i feel tht...even though its just maybe the opening exam of this freakin hectic years..but i dont care,,its just like a good opening for me...so..im ready to face any other exam...theres no doubt..or maybe..lol..theres only will and can...!! yeah!! just bring it!!

today...hahhaa

im a bit nervous today, cause im going to show my new hair do, tht makes me look a little weird..lol...its raining in the morning..so lucky me... i can use my jacket to school and have a reason to wear it on school... when my friends come, and look at me..they were just amazed..lol...they say i look better now..lol...hahha....and until the day end..they're just concerning bout my new look and said..im like rihanna...lol...they prank on me..singin'...ella..ella..ella...hahhaa... but after all... my dread bout wht they think when they see me..is all gone.. i think theyre positive this time... it makin me more confident...so, in school, my teacher just give us a picture, about the national examination. He said, he is really positive tht we all will graduate..but he not just want us to graduate...cause anyone can do tht...he want us to graduate with a high mark and prove tht we are an international student..and makin our family proud bout us... he told us, how to make it happen...and it open my eyes..tht i cant be a lazy student..and not concern bout my exam...but i have to make a good preparation, so everything gonna be alrite...sometimes..i thought bout the future..maybe 3-5 months ahead..im on my own...not going to school anymore..have my own life..and not meeting all my friends..lol..and then..i feel i missing them already...hmm.. but thts okay..because now...i have many things to do...we have to work hard..and doing more excercise in many lessons... and of course math...lol...im really want to get my scholarship and end this awful life..and be new women..and livin my own life...cant wait to see me have my own job..lol...and..i miss you already...also..cant wait till saturday..lol...i think thts enough for today..bye...

dont know what to do

the syndrom is coming back...the same lonely syndrom which i felt in new years eve...lookin really messed up right now...my friend has coming back to her house...and thts me alone...again....dont know what to do....i wanna sleep but i cant get sleepy...then...remembering the thing i will going to face tomorrow...just lame...wish i have accompany rite now...lol...really the only thing tht interesting to write is bout the boy..lol..(dont laugh)....i dont know...like, i got nothing to write down, felt nothing....like..everyone has their own fun...now..i just lay down in my bed...typing this...hope..the feelinf will go away after i write this...its like im missing everyone...hope itll end soon...