confussion inside of me

There’s nothing this year, i always feeling many uncomfortable feeling , and at the end of the day if i strugle to find out what’s happen to me, it feels like i can think about anything, maybe its what they called a stressfull situation. Christmas is the only holiday time when i can feel full revealing, but this year every month feel the same, the joy only last for a minute, but the pain remains forever. Wanna be a kid again and repeating many things that i should’ve done when it came to me. I really miss the joy, miss the spirit, miss my spirit. I know whatever happen to me, i shouldn’t change myself and being what they want me to be, keep it real and keep holding on what i think was true. It seems like i don’t know myself anymore. I don’t have any character, i am turning into something i don’t know, and turning into something that i hate to be. I don’t know how to make me feel the same, the same feeling that relay inside of me , when i was in the middle of a huge problem, and i made it my way. I know , i can’t blame anyone for this but i just like living human. Like zombie, i am alive but don’t have any feelings or maybe afraid to felt anything. Even when i was talking to myself, it just not me. I have to find a way to make me get the same old feelings that keep me live until now, or i’ll drown and really dead

hari ini gw seneng banget, penuh dengan keceriaan. Banyak orang terdekat gw yang ulang tahun hari ini. Pas basket sih sebenernya gw selalu seneng. Tapi hari ini beda, kita (tim nak klas 3) maen ngelawan nak klas 1 2. gw seneng pas maen bareng yang klas 3 gw masih ngerasa kalo kita masih kompak banget. Kita masih bisa menang. Pas dalam pertandingan bisa dibilang smuanya point. Dianta n dwi yang baru aja latihan juga bisa point, padahal mereka ga begitu ngerti pola yang kita pake. tapi pas pertandingan udah selesai,neng langsung balik, dwi juga bilang sama gw kalo ini latihan dia yang terakhir. Dianta juga bilang gitu, rasanya sedih banget ngeliat tim yang solid, dan tim yang bikin gw nyaman itu gak bakal ada lagi. Gw tau alesan mereka, karna gw juga ngalamin masalah yang sama. Tapi semuanya terlalu cepet, kayaknya baru kemaren kita lks, baru kemaren kita ngalahin yasmen, baru kemaren kita latihan lay up. Trus skarang temen2 se-tim gw itu dah ga bakal maen lagi...rasanya smua kesenangan hilang gitu aja. Ga akan ada lagi dwi, playmaker paling ngerti situasi dan layup'y slalu masuk....ga akan ada lagi neng, partner gw dibawah ring, yang slalu siap buat rebound dan point.....ga akan ada lagi chika, pointer n rebounder yang ok bgt dibawah ring, dan yang pasti, ga akan ada lagi dianta yang slalu ngasih smangat ke gw, dan slalu jadi andalan kalo kita smua lagi di defend abis2an.... tadi mungkin hari terakhir gw bisa maen sama tim itu. Gw langsung inget smua yang udah kita lewatin bareng, dari latihan dasar, dan layup yang susah banget waktu itu,pertama kali kita sparing, pertama kali kita menang, pas kita lks. rasanya smuanya tuh manis banget. dan gw yakin itu smua ga bakal gw lupain sampe kapanpun. Rasanya klas 3 tuh udah ga ada,,,cuma kenangan'y aja yang tersisa. Gw cuma mo bilang sama mereka, kalo mereka tuh udah ngajarin basket yang sebenernya buat gw, bikin gw ga nyerah dan terus berjuang buat basket. Ngertiin temen se-tim, dan ngerasain kerja sama yang paling solid yang pernah gw rasain. Rasanya konyol banget buat bilang ini..but thank you girls...you give me the happiest feeling i've ever felt...hope we can play again someday...

Tulisan ini gw buat beberapa saat setelah gw baru aja balik latihan. Gw posting di catatan di facebook gw...and guess what!! banyak banget yang komen dan menurut gw komentar mereka tuh positif banget, Gw yakin kalo mereka sadar apa yang tersirat dibalik tulisan gw ini. Yaitu, gw mau mereka bisa berjuang, mau mereka tetep main basket selama mereka bisa...kayak kita...nak2 klas3....mereka sepertinya punya spirit lagi buat menghadapi smua tantangan yang mungkin akan sulit dihadapi....tapi gw yakin walaupun cuma ber-7 tapi mereka pasti bisa menghadapi smuanya,,,,kita aja yang berangkat dari ketidaktahuan aja bisa bertahan, masa mereka yang dipenuhi sama tim yang udah banyak pengalaman dari smp bakal kalah dari kita...gw yakin kalian pasti bisa...so keep fighting...till the end...we got your back!!

kembali menulis blog disaat gw sedih. Gw ga tau kenapa gw ga bisa ngomong secara terbuka ke siapapun tentang masalah gw, gw ngerasa itu ga enak banget. Jadi waktu gw lagi banyak masalah, dan ga bisa ngapa-ngapain lagi, gw lebih suka nulis di blog gw. Blog gw tuh tempat gw ngomong yang sejujurnya apa isi hati gw. OK lets start!
pertama, gw lagi bingung, takut dan sedih banget, karena tahun ini UN di majuin jadi bulan maret, otomatis smua ujian yang ada sebelum UN dimajuin. Gw sebel banget sama kebijakan pemerintah yang satu ini. Gw ngerasa belom siap aja, ngerasa kalo gw masih butuh banyak waktu buat mempersiapkan diri untuk melewati smua ujian yang ada di skul. Ujian yang paling gw takutin itu, ujian kompetensi. Uji kompetensi ini tes dari perusahaan tentang skill lo di jurusan yang lo ambil. As you guys know, gw ngambil jurusan jaringan komputer, yang basically susah banget. Nah, this thing yang bikin gw takut dan menjurus ke stres. Bahkan, kalo cuma kepikir aja soal itu semua, gw langsung merinding and refleks diem dan bengong.
kedua, gw bakal meninggalkan aktifitas yang selama ini bikin gw nggak stres, dan jadi ajang pembuktian diri gw..which is basket. Gw tau cepat atau lambat gw bakalan ninggalin olahraga ini. Malah tahun lalu, gw udah sangat bersiap-siap buat menghadapi perasaan yang gw rasain sekarang, tapi pas masalah itu di depan mata smua yang udah gw persiapkan bener-bener useless!! what i'm supposed to do!! kayaknya susah banget ninggalin basket, padahal temen-temen gw yang lain kelihatannya biasa aja. Gw udah cinta mati deh sama basket. ini hal kedua yang bikin gw stress lagi.
Ketiga, pilihan gw harus kuliah atau kerja. Sebenarnya itu udah gw putusin tapi banyak pro dan kontra. Dibalik pro dan kontra itu, gw mikir ,"emang ada gitu perusahaan yang mo nerima gw?" kalo ga gimana...nah thats the major point of this section. Temen-temen gw sih berusaha optimis dan cuma fokusin pikiran mereka ke ujian-ujian yang bakal kita lewatin. But still, kayaknya ga cukup buat gw. Gw jadi nervous berlebihan, uring-uringan dan bahkan gampang emosi.
sekarang gw udah dapet judul buat uji kompetensi gw nanti. Judulnya VoIP, semoga gw bisa. Skarang gw coba fokus mikirin hal-hal itu, tapi setiap kali gw mikirin hal-hal itu gw pasti secara otomatis langsung inget ke 3 hal diatas. Gw bener-bener confused, tapi gw mikir lagi. Gw bukan a coward or loser yang cuma bakal staring at people who get the owner to get the best aknowledgement from my school. Gw juga pasti bisa. Who care...yang penting i'm focusing on what i want. Like i used to, everything gonna be better in time. Tapi bukan berarti kita cuma nunggu hal itu untuk jadi lebih baik, tapi berusaha supaya hal itu bisa baik pada waktunya. Dan absolutely not forgotten my mighty Father In Heaven. Gw jadi inget salah satu ayat alkitab yang bilang kalo, Tuhan akan selalu bantu siapapun yang berusaha atas nama-Nya. Gw harap the miracle happen to me and i can make anyone who has been give many courage and love to me proud. That is all...tuh kan, abis gw nulis smua isi hati gw, gw jadi agak enakkan, hah!! thanks a lot my blog...you're the best..

Pertandingan sparing gw yang mungkin paling memalukan sepanjang sejarah, tapi yang mungkin paling berharga dan yang paling menunjukan keseriusan gw dalam hal yang paling w suka..basket.
jadi beberapa hari kemaren, gw ada pertandingan persahabatan gitu, trus lawannya anak SMP. Bukan kita sih yang ngajak, tapi dari dianya. Gw sih jujur aja udah ga stuju dari awal , karena ini beresiko banget. Pertama, coach baru, jadi dia belom bisa nentuin tim inti buat pertandingan itu. Kedua, kita masih baru banget latihan. maksudnya kita baru latihan secara aktif skarang, jadi momentnya ga tepat banget. Akhirnya dengan mental dan skill pas-pas an kita maen. Kita kalah....benci banget!! dan yang paling gw benci , gw bahkan dimaenin cuma 1 menit!!! bayangin!! gw yang biasanya maen penuh 4 quarter dan jadi tim inti bisa dibilang ga dimaenin!!...gw marah banget ma coach gw, dan bahkan pas anak2 pada briefing soal pertandingan tadi, gw cuma duduk diem dan ngeliat kosong ke arah lapangan. Gw ga ngerti kenapa dia ga maenin gw..apa salah gw?...
Disaat yang sama, gw juga lagi ngerasain dilema yang dalam soal kehidupan gw, masa depan gw, dan soal keinginan ortu gw supaya gw brenti dari basket dan fokus ke skolah. Gw lagi dimasa rentan, cape sama hidup gw yang kayaknya ga jelas banget. Cape sama rutinitas gw yang tiap hari gw lakuin, tapi kayaknya ga membuahkan hasil apapun buat gw. Cape sama keluarga gw yang ga pernah berubah. Cape sama hidup ga yang awful . Apapun yang gw lakukan kayaknya ga berguna banget. Trus, tiba-tiba disaat gw coba buat lakuin sesuatu yang gw anggap bisa membantu gw melewati semua masalah yang ada dalam hidup gw....hal itu malah yang bikin gw sangat kecewa. Gw langsung minta ijin pulang sama coach gw. Sampe di rumah, gw mandi dan langsung masuk kamar dan merenung.....gw ga bisa ngomong apa-apa lagi...gw sedih banget...gw cape...sampe akhirnya gw ketiduran.
Besok paginya, gw kembali ke skolah. Kembali ke rutinitas gw yang gw pikir full of shit. Gw tau temen-temen gw pasti bakal mencemooh gw. Jadi gw sengaja ngambil posisi duduk paling blakang, dan gw bilang sama temen-temen gw , gw ga mau diganggu...dengan bersenjatakan handphone plus headset. Gw duduk di blakang sambil dengerin lagu oasis. Kebetulan hari itu, hari jumat jadi banyak waktu bebas. Gw ngambil posisi andalan gw buat tidur. Perlahan-lahan, gw mulai hanyut dalam lyric lagu-lagu oasis yang melankolis, dan ngerendahin diri gw sendiri. Gw bener-bener ngerasa putus asa dan berpikir gw hidup tuh sia-sia, gw berharap Tuhan bisa ambil hidup gw sekarang. Gw mulai nangis tanpa bersuara. Gw inget kelas gw lagi lumayan ribut, jadi mungkin mereka ga bakalan denger isak tangis gw. Tiba-tiba temen gw dateng dan nanyain kenapa gw nangis, Gw bilang gw ga papa, gw cuma sakit kepala. Tapi gw emang ga jago bohong dari dulu, mereka ga percaya dan tetep maksa nanya kenapa. Gw bilang gw ga papa dan minta mereka buat jangan ganggu gw dulu. Akhirnya dari salah satu temen gw yang anak basket juga, mereka tau tentang masalah gw di lapangan kemaren. Mereka akhirnya ngerti dan ngebiarin gw buat tenang.
Hari selanjutnya sama menyedihkannya, gw masih terpuruk sama kondisi gw selama beberapa hari belakangan ini, dan masih ga bisa mengontrol emosi gw, yang ga gw tumpahin ke apapun atau siapapun. Akhirnya gw lari ke kamar mandi, dan nangis disana. Ga beberapa lama, temen-temen gw masuk dan coba nenangin gw. Nasehat dari mereka akhirnya bikin gw kuat dan kembali berani. Bodo amat sama mereka..orang yang ga penting..ngapain gw mikirin omongan mereka yang sama skali ga berbobot. Akhirnya gw bilang ke diri gw sendiri. Gw bakal bangkit dari semua keterpurukan gw, gw bakal jadi kuat dan bakalan ngelawan semua omongan mereka dengan gaya gw..which is ...perbuatan....mereka ga akan bisa menjatuhkan gw dengan perkataan mereka....gw jenny...gw udah biasa diremehkan dan biasa berada dalam kondisi yang ga nyaman, tapi gw bakal bangkit dari kondisi itu dan buktiin ke semua orang kalau gw bisa lebih dari mereka....DAN UNTUK BASKET...GW AKAN BUKTIKAN KE MEREKA SEMUA KALAU BASKET KAMVAX TUH PUNYA SESUATU YANG BISA DIBANGGAIN...KITA BAKAL MENANG LKS DAN GA ADA TIM YANG BISA NAHAN GELAR KEMENANGAN KITA!!! KARENA KITA KERJA KERAS UNTUK ITU!!!! SO .........SHUT THE FUCK OFF....AND WATCH WE GET THE CHAMP TITLE!!

basketball

w baru aja balik dari latihan basket. Skarang w latihan ga seasik dulu, emang sih when it comes to basketball, everything turn to fun. Kan skarang w dah klas 3 n banyak hal yang harus w lakuin. Karena sebenarnya kelas 3 itu saat dimana gw benar2 menentukan masa depan gw. Banyak pertanyaan yang muncul in and out side, ex: abis ini mo kuliah apa kerja? , should i quit from basketball now? , should i just focus to what i've been expecting from these years?...yah, there are a lot of problems, but i know i should've let it answer it sELF. There are time i feel really confused to what i want, and really want to do. But there is a fact about basketball that i really hold on to, this is it...

1. i learn to not give up and say "no"...there are many people that suggest me to quit from basketball because my basketball team looks not really good. Everybody was telling us that we are a loser. But me, and all my teammates not listen to that stupid words, and keep on train ourself to be the best, and believe one day we will be the winner and prove to that silly people that tell us to stop that they are wrong!! so i answer the question...i have to believe in my self. I have to be the best, i have to train my self to be the best and after all .i am the best...

2. I learn that the majority not always right. Sometimes in basketball sparring i met many different opponents. And they are bigger and stronger even faster and they have a lot of player so they didn't have to afraid about their team stamina. But when i met and fight them, they are just a human. If they not really concentrate and feel really nervous they will loose the game. And we with a lot of hard work and determination to win will win the game. so, don't just look something from the cover, or how big it is, how good looking it is, how much it is...it doesn't matter believe in your heart.

3. We have to be the first. Sometime i think this is silly . Because the first man who did something not always right. But as time goes by, i find out that its really important to be the first neither you wrong or right. Because if you're right, you'll be bigger and what you've been dreaming, and even if you're wrong, the world also give you applause because of you're courage and your confident to bring it in your very own way. This is like my 5 senior in my basketball team (including me..hehehe). We start practicing basketball, as the first generation in my school which has a women basketball team. At the first time, there are many followers, but it lessens as the time goes on and on. There is only 5 player that stood still, and also the longest basketball team in my school. At the first time we practice, it was horrible, nobody knows the best way to lay the ball, or shoot from under ring, or even take 2 shoots..hahaha...but we never gave in, and still playing and practicing until the third grade,,,,,

i am really proud of this 5 player, because all of what they have done for this team, and show any other people that whatever happens, whatever they say or whatever they done to the basketball ..we still play and always be...

Sekarang gw ngerti kenapa walaupun gw kerja atau ngelakuin banyak hal berat sekaligus badan gw jarang sakit..itu semua karena gw selalu berpikiran positif kalo gw ga bakal sakit..dan meyakinkan diri gw kalo ga ada yang ga mungkin. Gw baru aja liat review soal suatu buku yang pernah gw liat, tapi gw ga pernah attracted buat baca soalnya tebel banget bro..hehehe

Tapi semalem temen gw ngasih tau gw soal buku itu ,judulnya "the secret". Intinya buku ini mau nunjukin lo kalo pikiran lo itu ternyata bisa bikin hidup lo yang tadinya ancur jadi jauh lebih baik..keren banget videonya..kalo yang mau tau bisa liat di you tube.. w jadi pengen banget beli dvdnya.. kayaknya bagus buat orang lagi in the edge of breaking down kayak gw,,hehehhe

segitu dulu ya..nanti di sambung lagi..chow

about fucking friends

gw bingung knapa gw selalu ketemu orang ass hole tapi gw ga bisa ngatain mereka ass hole. Sebenernya kalo ngikutin emosi gw yang meluap-luap , pasti gampang banget buat gw untuk ngatain orang2 kayak gitu, tapi kenpa ya...when it came to that kayaknya susah banget to say something true about them. Like this story..gw punya temen, sebenarnya dia orangnya baek n pengertian ma gw, tapi sikap sombong dan soknya itu sering banget bikin gw dan temen2 gw yang laen pada illfil..tapi none of us yang berhasil bilang ke dia dengan "cara yang benar" . Menurut temen2 gw sih mereka kasihan ma tuh anak, takutnya nangis or suicide lah...ya,whatever...tapi menurut gw dia tuh emang pantes diperlakukan seperti itu karena dia tuh udah pass da line.. gw bener2 ga suka sama pretender kayak gitu, dah jadi pretender tapi ketauan banget pretendnya...seengganya ga ketauan kek, jadi kita masih bisa memaklumi...tapi ni anak emang ga tau diri, dari klas 1 kita biarin dan kita berharap dia bisa sadar n berubah seiring waktu tapi..apanya yang berubah malah tambah parah...dia tuh suka ngomongin kelemahan orang dibelakang orang tersebut. EX: Kalo jalan sama gw, dia ngomongin temen gw...trus mungkin juga terjadi kebalikannya. Gw ga mau punya temen muna kayak gitu,,,gw pengen dia tuh jujur,,,kita ga menuntut dia buat jadi orang yang super perfect...karena kita juga ga butuh dongeng basi dari dia. Dia ngaku2 kalo dia tuh orang kaya,, but the fact is not even close to that...dia bilang dia pinter ,but the fact is dia harus nyontek buat dapet nilai sesuai kkm. Dia ngaku kalo dia tuh cakep n tau bener soal masalah cinta,,the fact is banyak orang nilai dya kayak bitch...that's why i hate her...sometime kayaknya gw pengen smack something on her face when she tell lies in front of us...fuck you bitch...you don't wanna mess with me!!

it's been 2 days...just because my communication doesn't work properly like it used to. I know that was my fault, but i still regret it. I know that I can chat again tonight but, it still not really ease my pain... i really love to chat with him. Its just like a basketball practice after a whole hard working day. He makes me think twice about many things that happen to me. I hope it didn't stop right here. Nothing feels right when he's not talking to me.. a little bit strange and a lot of empty...this is not sign of love, its just different . I know that i like him , not love him...just for fun, for knowledge , for experience and for friendship...i like this guy...hahahaha

duh,,gw bingung mau ngapain, mau mikir tapi yang kepikir hal yang buruk mulu, dan itu bikin gw uncomfortable. everything didn't cure this feeling, even basketball. i feel broke down, and now i'm crying on my own. I feel not right. Like i did everything wrong, like i was numb, empty. I am not laughing anymore..i wanna dead..i feel nothing can cure my symthom .

iT'S The story about me and basketball

this is the best and craziest day ever in my life. Today i'm just coming home early because my headmaster is going to mekka..so he celebrate it and we as a student was sent home early. My friend got an idea that we have to pass this day with going somewhere nice. So we decided to go to "the new town" in jakarta. At first i was so excited because we never travel so far like this before. but we have to use a train to get there. One of my friend was telling us that its not save to go there with uniform because, there is some bad student from another school that hate our school and many crime happen in train. I didn't bring any jacket so i get back to my house and take jacket, and my friend(listy,nining,dianta) was waiting for me in school. I also brought my adidas jacket , because nining also didn't bring a jacket. but she is afraid if she coming back home, she didn't get permition to go with us. So u have to bring my jacket for her. Dita also back home to take some money and change her clothes. Finally we get together in school and start our journey with walking to the station(cilebut station). That was really exhausting walk, because we didn't have our lunch and neither the breakfast, but we still in faith we can go there. At the station, we were like the center of attention because we making noise and a little more childish. We wait for 2 hours for the train which accompany us to "the young city". It was driving us insane, because its hot, and we were hungry and also don't wanna waste our time to wait for that train. And to kill our bored feeling we're playing game "thumb". It was my favorite game and i win most of the game. We were laughing and joking around about the situation. Until some villager teens come, and try to fight us,,but as you know Listy has her ability at martial arts,so they were a little afraid to us. And finally our train was coming...we are so excited until we find out that we have to stand until our destination. The train was so nasty and hot, there are some begger that really freaks us out, but it still funny at the end. Dianta and i was counting every station that we passed, and its all 25..that was a lot of station.
Finally we arrive at the young town. We was really excited and we take many video with my camera phone and also a lot of picture. We go around the town until 4.30 and come back home, using express train because the economy was arrive at 6.00 so, we decide to pay more so we can get home on time. The train was really confusing, we asked some people to show us the train that head back to "bojong gede". We almost take the wrong train but we finally got the right train , but actually the train was really full because we go home when the employees get back too..but we still happy...at the end of the day we were really greatfull that we have each other and get such a good experience. I hope we can remember this memory forever. I love my friends, because they didn't let me behind when i'm down, and always with me whatever people think about me, support me and give me many advise and also good memory together..We're best friend forever...

today, is a really big day for me. I wake up really early, 5 pm sharp. Then like everyday, get prepared to go to school. But something different, i am really well prepared for today, and not feel sleeply. It makes me really passionate to face the world today. In the afternoon i am presenting my presentation about citrix in productive lesson. It is really a nervous moment and also the brightest moment i ever had. Because i just talk english like crazy. And just for information that i presenting my presentation using english language. So it takes a lot of courage to make it happen, but after all i did it, and my friends also tell me that it was really good. And i think i satisfied my teacher. At the end of the day i found my old friend, and we share a lot of things and i chat with many guys. I think it's all perfect. I dont want this day to be over now. Because i feel so comfortable with this. And i also think like i really love to show off many things that i got. I know its bad habit but it also give me courage to stand up and say what i want to say and give what i have so i can have some pride. I think thats fair enough for people like me, that only can depend on their brain power, because they're not really famous or pretty or rich. So after all, the conclution is that i can do anything that i want, and nobody can stop me, but that only happen if i am really confident and believe to my abillity and say to myself that no matter what will happen i will be the best for my self. There is no regret for a good things.

MY lIfe is ...Somplak without basketball...

Duh ulangan merah ...mo maen basket ujan...bentar lagi brenti skull....hidup w berasa somplak banget nie without basketball....coz when i play basketball i forget all the problems i got an keep playing and enjoy the game....but now it's like a nightmare when i saw the calender and think back that my time is running out....sekarang w tau rasanya pemain ibl or nba yang about to pensiun or gantung jersey....pasti berat banget kayak yang sekarang gw rasain!!!

Lessons I got FROm basketball

Duh...bentar lagi kelas 3...masa2 nyanengin maen basket ma tmen2 se tim dah bakal brakhir,kayaknya cepet banget waktu berlalu...kalo dulu maen masih ga bebas masih nyari aknowledgement dari orng2 tapi kalo sekarang tinggal ngebangun regenarasiyang bagus buat basket kampax....duh w bete banget,,,rukawa bakal pergi lagi ,,,,malah maybe ga bakal balik n ketemu lagi


jadi inget lagu usher yang seperated ways nie,,,now we gotta go our own way...livin our own life....not have much time to look back and say goodbye,,,cause the true life is about to begin!!!!

woi....
pa kabar......!?!?


finally after the hard working time....we got what which always in all the ballers dream
the championship title..........
but this is the last year i can play the game ....
but i'll never forget what i found by playing the game ....and the memory i got from that thing...
so i keep playing that thing 'till i can't


PEACE